My Illusion

My Illusion

You think, but you don’t know. My thought is my reality of you and the physical is just the false imprint of you. I make what is real in my mind, holding you, kissing you. That is the aspect of my greatest dream. Having you in my arms as I close my eyes and nothing else is around us. The physical is gone and we control the world. No noise no worries just us in our own reality.

I’ll take away everything that is wrong. I’ll make you safe… I’ll make you cry. Joy isn’t nothing just you and only you. I don’t want days to go on and shed its false light upon my face without you there to touch it. You’re my life and dream, my thought and my pain. I never want that to end.

As I close my eyes. I see you reach for my arm and as I open them you disappear again into the void that is reality. My reality, my physical… I close my eyes and go into thought and there you are…

Thought is reality, the physical is the illusion.

By

Troy Bowden

Message in a bottle

I'm not on a deserted island but my soul is.

Trying to see you and nothing comes to mind. Have I lost your memory in the sands of time? It's been so long when our bodies were one and now I can't see you. I feel like your lost or that I am. That somehow we have lost the way or the love... I hope it's not that. I pray with my soul that this message finds you and that you understand and feel the same.

My heart is empty my soul is lost. I need you near, I need you to hold, I need you to smile. All those things I've missed and have forgotten and I need them back. Nothing works right in my world unless your a part of it.

I feel like the last person on earth. Alone and isolated with noting to joy and nothing to keep me alive.

Please find this message, please come back to my heart.

I place the cork on. Toss with all my hope and dream to see you again.

Troy D Bowden

June 26, 2013  

The lost Knight

You will never know what you have till you see it slip away. I never knew this new love long but I knew it was special. It was beyond any love felt by the human soul. Passion, lust, the want and need. All were there and so much more. Then it slipped away. Gone from my arms of protection. It was my job to shield you and I failed. My lady I'm sorry. I failed at my job to stop the evil at hand. I failed to fight the enemies away or kill them all. I did not hold my honor to you as I promised. Now you are gone and I am the lost one. I have no justice and faith now. I have no honor that once I held my head to. I'm dishonored to my creed.

I must ride to the shadow end and fight the last demons and pray that I lose. There is no more for this man this once brave man. The time has come. I've lost my love the one that captivated me. The one that showed me that I'm more then just iron. I can`t bear this pain no more. I must fight my demon the last in my battles to face.

To honor you is my death. The one last justice I can give you. The one last promise that I won't break. I will see you again. I can't be the lost knight here alone.

(The sun shines on the iron blade as the tip points to a man chest. The man falls to his knees arms holding the blade high. Silence is all that is heard as the blade moves in. Then drips red from the the other side.)

The Cut

The Cut

                I can still see ourselves walking down Main Street and holding hands. Looking into shops and wanting this and that. Laughing at small little jokes I would toss your way. Those smiles as we just gaze into each other’s eyes. What wonderful and awe inspiring times those were… There was joy, hope and love. The feeling that this was meant, that this was to be and nothing was to come between all those emotions.

                Life plays hateful games and cuts to deep when one is not looking. We could have been happy. We could have been but the game was playing itself out. Your words your untrustworthiness, did you not think I would stay? I wanted more then you could ever know but your cutting just made my wound deeper. And so much blood had already poured onto the floor that it was pointless to go on.

                I know that you loved me. The love isn’t at question. It was the cut. The pain that over and over you didn’t have faith or but you couldn’t.  I just couldn’t go on after so many cuts. I gave so much blood to this relationship and there is nothing left.

I can still see but the cut is too deep.

By

Troy Bowden

Jan 1, 2012

Why does a whisper cry?

Why does a whisper cry?

We held on long in the years of our endless love but time didn't go on.
Hearts broke and pain set in like the blade of a knife.
For what I thought was right didn't match in your eyes.
And feelings were on the table.

We had the passion; the flame of fire love but still something didn’t click in your mind.
Was it the soft whisper that came from the blue, did it scare you away?

With this deep hole of endless miles down, I wonder if it was.
The soft whisper of words spoken so true and from the heart…
I wonder…
Did that scare you away from my arms of love?

I won’t take back what I said for I meant every word out of my mouth and still to this day I do.
You meant the world to me and more.
You were like of a small rose growing in my heart and me holding you there watching you grow bigger and brighter every day, and with every kiss I fell in love more.

But how…how can my whisper cry?

You asked so many times how I felt and now that the whisper is in the wind you knew.
And this is what I get, lost with an empty heart.

To hell with you and so may darkness of the devil travel with you forever.
For my whisper was with love and the words for you were I love you.
And now I see how it is to be.

This is how my whisper cries and it cries still, wishing it didn't come out, wishing it just stayed inside my heart.

Forever now will I fear that I will walk the alone streets in this world traveling without knowing if what I said made you go or was it more.

I’ll still have you, in my heart forever where there is a place made just for you.
And even if we do not see or hold or love anymore there will be forever that place where I can go and you will be there. 
For even if the whisper made you cry. I have not and will not stop loving you.
Will not forever.
But will I ever whisper again…

By

Troy Bowden

My Death

My Death

                I can finally see. God it felt like a dream, but where am I? All I can remember is the screaming of the brakes and a bright flash. Now I’m in this room and all I hear are beeping sounds and faint talking. There is something wrong but I can’t pin point what it is yet. I’m glad I’m alive; it must have been hell for my lover. God please let my lover be ok, please let nothing bad happen to my love. Slowly I’m starting to remember more.

                The road was wet and it was at night my lover was driving holding my hand with the free arm. I remember laughing over a joke that was said and then terror happened. My thinking at that point is faded; still all I can remember clearly is like I said the screaming of the brakes.  I can hear soft crying in my beeping room. What is wrong I wonder? Why can’t I move my eyes? Why can’t I move at all! Oh God No!

I can’t move!

Oh God No…No…NO!!

              Come on you can do it move your foot… nothing. Move your eyes… nothing but I can see out of them. I can see and hear. HELP ME! Please GOD HELP ME! There is something in my mouth I can feel that. I can feel, I can see, I can hear but I can’t move. I can hear a machine beeping again getting faster. Something or someone just pasted my sight. Hello… HELLO!!! Help me please. Please help me I’m alive, I’m not dead. I’m here I’m right here… GOD PLEASE LET SOMEONE HEAR!! This can’t be happening to me. Relax I’m sure they don’t think your dead your just badly hurt from the accident that’s all. I can still hear the soft but faint crying in the room.

 

Someone in white has come in.

“There is nothing more we can do, I’m sorry”

WHAT!

“Are you sure doctor?”

Oh my love, finally. I’m sure my love can see that I’m alive and not dead.

“Yes there is no more activity in the brain. Your love is brain dead”

NO I’M NOT!! I’m alive…Please I’m alive. My brain is not dead!

Honey please, please look at me I’m ALIVE! My love looks, oh thank god.

“But I can see life in those eyes Doctor”

“It’s just the machines that are given the life that is all. All test show that your lover is brain dead”

LIKE HELL I AM!!

“Please Doctor give me some time alone”

“Take all the time you need”

The Doctor leaves out of my view.

 

                Please my love; please see that I’m not dead. I’m alive; I’m not as they say I am. I love you please don’t do what I think they are asking. I’m scared please I’m scared of dying. Please don’t end me like this. I wanted to grow old with you to see our children grow and be happy. I want to be by your side in life and in our death but not like this. Please see into my eyes there is life there. Oh God please show my love that I’m alive. Move something… Move anything… nothing is listening to me I’m stuck. I can see the pain to your eyes. I know you love me and I can tell what you are thinking… please don’t go there… please for me don’t go there.

 The beeping goes faster and I see you gaze to the machine. Yes my love that is my heart I’m making it go faster because I’m alive not dead. No… No don’t cry I’m alive. My lover has so much pain in those eyes. What are you doing? Don’t reach for the machine! No! No! Don’t kill me!

The beeping stops.

NO!...NO!...NO!

MOVE SOMETHING DAM YOU!

 

My finger, my finger I can feel it tapping under the sheet. Look my love… look my finger! Stop gazing into my eyes and look at my finger. Please stop your crying and look… I’m alive… I’m alive.

 

I’m scared God. I’m scared, I’m dying and this is my death.

My love why?

I love you, and you’ve killed me.

 

                I can feel my heart slowing down. I hope my life mattered and that I’ve made people happy in my life. I hope I’ve touched others and made them a better person. I hope I’ve made my lover happy for you have made me happy. I can’t go into the next world being mad at you. You couldn’t hear me or see me move. It’s not your fault.

It’s hard to think now… all thoughts of my life are hitting my mind in fast recall. Thoughts of holidays, families, friends of old and new everything hitting me at once. I’m still scared.

I can feel you holding my hand.

…

By

Troy Bowden

Nov 12, 2012

 

 

 

Silver Rose

Silver Rose

How many times must I cry?

How long will it take for me to see the truth?

The walk of my path, somehow, one day showed me what you really are to me.

Emotions are lost pieces in wrong blocks in my mind so I can't tell what I'm feeling.

Living without you; not knowing of your kiss. Crying without you so I see I'm alone.

I'm empty I'm not one...you... you are the one I need. For I know I'm blind not to see this sooner.

For I know that's why you don't see me now.

But as for some reason I know you'll see these words sometime in life I hope.

And if you read my words please understand that I'm sorry... that I was wrong.

Blinded not to see the love I have for you.

And now I know.

I was cut by the thorn of a silver rose and my blood made it red once again to see how much you mean to me and my soul.

I love you and those words are true and I hold this rose to give to you.

By Troy David Bowden

Finding

Finding

Do I myself know what love is?

Can I try and tell you, that you and only you will I will ever love.

Love for you is all I have but still what is it?

Many of times I would wake up and see you, just looking at you I would get an emotion of what I can't say or I don't know.

This emotion would just fill me as I watch you sleep in my arms.

It would be like something warm would come over me and everyone in the world was gone and it would just be us.

Us the only two left in the world.

Us and nothing else mattered.

I would always smile just watching you and being so careful not to wake you.

You mean so much to me more than the world and you have all my heart and every emotion is for you.

I can't see us not as one.

I can't see us apart.

Is this the answer, did I find what love is?

Yes I did it's you.

By

Troy Bowden

Fall in Love Again

Fall In Love Again

 

Sometime I can look and see the smile I once had of us holding hands.

Running with the wind and not caring about the nothing in today’s world.

Love was free and peace was in our hearts as we talked and loved till the morning came.

I couldn’t help but fall for you the way you look and see things.

The touch of your hand and feel of your lips.

The special look in your eyes as you say you love me.

The emotion of the kiss.

All in all the memories of us together.

 

Time has away I guess of taken two souls apart.

The love slowly goes and new ones show.

The passion gone the spirit cold.

Dreams can only replace a small part of you.

Other loves can only give me a small feeling of you.

 

True love only comes once and for me it was you.

Everything about you and everything you do.

I would die to have you once again in my arms.

And to wake up to you again would place a smile in my heart forever.

 

Time has away I guess of taken two souls apart.

But time can never… never take away my dreams the only last part of you.

 

Will I know to love a woman as I did for you?

Will I know how to kiss, as I would kiss you?

Will I know to care?

Hopefully someday… someday far in the distance of time.

When I can look for you and find you.

When I can fall in love again.

 

By Troy David Bowden

Short Time

Short Time

 

So little time was spent together, so little time was done.

Did our love grow with the few short times we held each other…I don’t know.

But for me I loved a lifetime.

So short of time with so much we had to do and so much more love to give.

You did tell me of the ill and of the time we would have but I didn’t know how much I could fall in love with you in that short time.

The nights on the beach just watching the stars shine in the heaven and talking about nothing new.

The kiss forever that stopped time and how odd it was to know that our minds were on the same key.

I don’t want to think of you dead but more alive then ever before and I know with my heart that you are watching me because I feel your love in the air.

But I can’t stop the pain and sadness of not holding you again, not kissing those lips that are red as a rose and not touching your soft skin as we lie in bed sleeping in each others arms.

I fell in love with you that warm day and I still love you now. I miss you my love…forever.

 

By Troy David Bowden

Realize

Realize

For time doesn't end, it just stands still for you. Nothing moves and nothing talks and everything in my world stops and only you are to be. A magical figure, a magical dream. A figure of love and joy is what you are.

You put a stop to my heart every time I see you and I take a quick breath of air thinking it is my last. A shock to my mind is what you bring me, a wake up call to my soul is what it is. Nothing is like you, and nothing will ever be.

Have you ever seen a picture of nature and you pray to God never to end this moment of time, that is what I say every time our eyes meet. You are the still of the night and the light of the day, a shining star of hope I wish on and pray.

I've never known this to be. I myself falling in love, longing for a kiss and wishing it never to end. I feel like a kid for the first time again, playing in the fields of grass and climbing trees till the setting sun. I'm in love with you, that is true. I now understand that you bring myself together and hold me in place. A place where we can be together. A place where we can be in love.

By Troy David Bowden

Alone

Alone

 

I can’t love a soul; I can’t have a dream at night.

Sometimes I cry till no end is at hand and sometimes I pray that you are still here.

I still see the days when we were one and nothing else mattered, the love, the passion and heat.

Forever lost in this void of time.

Healing a wound that is at the heart will never be fixed.

I’ve lost all I know and all I ever truly loved.

Broken like glass is our love broken through out time.

Will I go on in my time, will I feel the same as I did with you.

Will I ever stop crying in my heart?

The days are hard without you and the nights long.

I fell in love with you from my heart.

Now the pain and fear the loss of my heart not knowing if I will live or die.

I pray ever night for you back like some dream to come true.

But yet still you are not there when I open my eyes.

And slowly I see that I’m alone again.

 

By

Troy David Bowden

Book of Past

Book of Past

I can look into your eyes and forget about the one. It was so long ago when I

was in love and my mind was stuck on the person, that I couldn't think of

falling in love again.

You knew of the love that I'd fallen for and you were there to hold my hand. I

still think of the love as a book to the past but you are my future.

I have you now to love and in my life, past love was like a sand on the beach

taken away by the waves.

The look of blue heaven as I gaze into lost eyes listen as I tell you a story to

your heart. No more of lost love will travel my way. Our two hearts will stay as

one forever I pray.

We are a new start in the book of love and are page's will turn fast, but I've

closed the book to the past and I'm looking at my blue heaven, my dream, my

love, you.

By Troy Daivd Bowden

Coming back to you

Coming back to you

​In my heart this is heaven, just us holding hand and hand. This is magic in my soul; you will never know what you mean to me. We just walk down this road with passer buyers knowing no different and we are in love. Nothing can change this nothing can destroy our love our one and only true singularity.
​You smile and a warm feeling covers my body. We stop and look then kiss…
What was that…What is it?
Loud… Ear piercing sound…
I look at you and see shock. “What is it my love” but you return no words.
You cling to my body as I wrap my arms around you. I feel coldness and wet from your back. I pull my arm from around your back and see… blood…no…no…NO!
No this can not be, no…no… oh God no. “HELP!”, “PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!”… No one to hear as I see the crowd running in all directions, just us remain.

​There is a moment in time that never leaves a person mind. First kiss, first time you have made love. Things like that are burned forever in your soul. As well as the death of someone that has your heart.

You gazed up to look into my eyes. You didn’t have to say a word your eyes told it all. Of all the joy that I gave you as well as you given to me. I could see all the memories in your eyes. The trips we took the laugher and even our dreams.

I don’t think for any remaining seconds of my life that I could love again or even for that fact would want to. You were and are my soul, the last piece to my puzzle and my puzzle isn’t complete without you. I was there holding you as you died and every time I think about that day of you getting shot… I cry.

I know what I must do to stop crying to stop my pain. Honey if only you knew what it was like to hear your last breath and watch your eyes close. It was closing our book our novel that I wanted to last forever. I know what love is and you had shown me that and now it’s gone forever.

Painless it will be, I won’t suffer honey so don’t worry about that. Just look forward to when we will see each other again in some unknown plan…

The barrel is cold… I wonder if I’ll hear that ear piercing sound…

By

Troy D Bowden

Oct 21, 2012